+ Paris, Deutschland and Night Terrors +

Sometimes life ain’t easy enough to figure out. And sometimes what you really want must wait for what you really need, and must be. I’ve been taking a lot of medications lately, some for my medical condition, other to treat my abnormally low MOA and Dopa levels and some others that well… aren’t just worth mentioning. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately, for some reason dreams came back to me and all I can think of when I am awake is going as soon as possible to oblivion, to find the lost ark of my sanity among the shreds that my conscience left the night before. One of those dreams really got to me, I dreamt about my Mother telling me how sometime soon my Father is going to perish.; that idea kept me awake at night since then, and then, here I am trying to organize all the ideas I’ve had on the last days, but due my lack of inspiration I haven’t been able to express.

Life is being strange lately… I wanna do music, but I find myself dried up. I wanna read, but I cannot concentrate anymore, I wanna get the fuck out of here… But when I come to think about it, medicine and psychology are the only 2 things that make me feel real and give me a feeling of belonging somewhere; not to mention the power it brings along. But as I said, reason, a whore, a twat, but in the end all I have to rely on and the one thing keeping away from myself. Today I had this meeting about a possible one year trip to Germany to work, but I would have to leave college for one year and then, the dream faded because in the end I cannot, I feel as If I cannot just leave and let more time pass by before I become an M.D. and Psy.D. So what to do? Just follow my heart and go to find luck somewhere else? Or play I safe to reach one greater goal that might make me stay here? As I spoke to the person counseling me, he said there was no problem at all if I find a college there and stayed, but am I brave enough to take such of a risk? To waste all the hard work that brought me here? Plus, the interview with the medicine faculty is coming closer, where to focus? I have something clear though… If I am not allowed to do both majors, I won’t be staying and might go to try luck over there, what would be another year in my life if I waste it? I mean…

Back in Switzerland I fucked up so bad I only have bad memories, I messed up a lot and lied to everyone around me just to feel on a comfort zone… and I am still going to therapy to try and control my sociopathic self and still failing because well, let’s face it: I have a way with words. The point is, that I believe I deserve a second chance to make a better life to myself somewhere else that is not this place I really loathe; I believe I can do it, but as I get older I grow more and more aware of the risk of wasting time and this chance might be something that would change things permanently, still… I really need to think about.

In the end all I have is Certainty, reason and lies, but if I can be an MD anywhere on earth, I wouldn’t mind being ANYWHERE on Earth, as my dream of Paris and Celine along with all of my other reasons seemed to have faded away.

Virtually yours,
Damian Dior.